"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game" A Cinderella Story.

I tend not to do things when I'm unsure of my ability to do it. I'd normally rather not partake in something than have the risk of failing at it. Even something I know I'm good at. Sometimes I'm just so scared that maybe THIS time I won't be able to do it, that I'd rather not try.

I've aleays known this quote. Probably because the moment I heard it I knew it was meant for me. When something happens and I back out out of fear of failing I think about this qoute. But it's never been enough to overshadow the humiliation I would have to handle if trying leads to a fail.

I can honestly say that a lot of the decisions in my life are based on fear directly or indirectly. Mainly fear of humiliation, fear that people would see my imperfections and not think so much of me anymore. This has kept me from a few things in the past. If it was better for me to spare myself the disappointment of failing I would never know (because at the time it seemed like the better option).

I don't regret. I decided early in my life that everything I do and every decision I make, I do or make for a reason. So for the past I trust that I had reasons for doing what I did. But now yhings need to change.

I'm not prepared to let the fear of failing keep me from anything anymore. I think doing that has a lot to do with "guts". Also self-confidence to accept that you're not perfect, to be able to laugh at yourself and embrace those imperfections.

So I guess I'm gonna have to start by accepting myself, and then with a few other factors I might overcome my fear and strike out with pride!

Can Anybodieeeeee, find meee, somebody toO...LOVE!

University is hard work. You have to THINK a lot more than you used to. Not necessarily academically, but deffinitely in all other aspects.



I don't know whether this is something teporary that'll fade with time, or if it is permanent, but at this stage in my now almost 7 month journey it feels pretty long term to me.

The thing is, when you have to think too much about something, it becomes work. When it's work, it's not fun anymore and you naturally try to avoid it.

My theory is that this is why students drink (Well okay, probably one of seven thousand other reasons). Alcohol makes things easier, it helps you to stop thinking so much and makes everything so much less trouble.

People, in this case students, are constantly searching for ways to make life easier. Maybe it is the era we grew up in, with technology making everything 'simpler, better, faster', but that is the reason for most of our actions. I'm not saying this is a bad thing! Hey, if life could be easier then why do it the hard way?? My question is, what IS easy? If we're all busy trying to make life easier, why is it then so damn hard?

The only reason I could think of for my life still being hard, is people and then of course myself.

We make life so much harder for each other, on the one hand judging others on every single thing they do, wear, buy or say, but also caring about what others think about the things you do, wear, buy or say. We even make it hard for others to love us, not just romantically, but in a 'love your neighbour' kind of way.

The other day we were camping at a resort in the Drakensberg and on my way back from a sunrise photo-taking-session, I see one of the workers packing the life size chess set out of the store room. Something cane over me on that cold morning, a 'pay it forward' kind of thing, and I asked if I can help her (which when I think of it now could've sounded pretty strange to her). She answered with a short 'No' and added that she starts work at seven and has to finish.

This is a classic example of double-sided complicated-ness. The lady refused to let me help her, probably because she was suspicious of my motives and totally confused by my out-of-the-blue offer. I on the other hand, was totally caught off guard by her immediate refusal of my help offering, probably because I expected some kind of satisfaction from offering my help, and in essence a part of myself, out of love to that person. I was also upset by her refusal for at least another 2 hours and silently promised myself to never do something like that again.

My conclusion for myself is that I am the one resposible for making life harder for myself and others. We complicate unnecessary things and take life and other's opinions too seriously. Too relate my title to this text, I have to love somebody. That somebody being myself, my friends, my family and my neighbour. I have to love without expectation, without judgement and with my whole self. Not worrying about the reaction, but getting my satisfaction out of my action to love. I have to accept the love from others without suspision or conditions.

In other Queen words: "This could be heaven for everyone. This world could be fed, this world could be fun. There should be love for everyone. This world should be free, this war could be won. We should bring love to our daughters and sons. This could be heaven for everyone!"

Temporary Happiness

When people ask me if I am enjoying university, I usually answer: "It's a lot of fun, the friends I made and the fantastic res I am in make it worth the while."

i realised early in the year that I met the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I felt like God had answered all my prayers from the past twelve years and sent me two angels to help me enjoy the second part of my journey. The other thing I realised was, although the res I got placed in was my second choice and also the second one I got placed in (the first one wasn't even one of my choices), it was the best one for me. I saw quickly that I wouldn't have fit in in any other res's and that this mix up was meant to be.

So tonight a thought crossed my mind. If the things I enjoy at university are my friends and my res, then what would happen if I were to lose them?

If I don't get res placement next year (which is highly likely), and for some reason these 'friends-for-life' friends I made weren't there anymore, what would make me stay?

This leads to my next question: if that is temporary happiness, then what can I build my happiness on that'll last?

Something to think about...

My Cause

For the last couple of months I've been feeling the need to do something meaningful, something worth something for someone other than me, "to make the world a better place!". I read magazines, newspaper articles, webpages, blogs, but nothing sparked something in me. Somewhere through my journey I decided that 'The Earth' would be my cause. I saw a gap in our community in the recycling department and also thought it to be a little money generator. Win-win! But after a little research and many conversations there was just to many downsides to this project. Downsides that could certainly be overcome, but that would need a lot of money time and effort. It would have to be a full-time project and certainly not with a goal to make a profit. For me, as a student, this was certainly not a option. So my cause was, again, thrown to the wind. Leaving me on a journey to find yet another cause. See, I could not stop this journey, as the hope and ambition for something bigger, in spit of the previous dissappointment, was still there. This time i decided not to go looking for a cause, but to let it find me. To let it spark a flame inside of me that'll make me do whatever is needed to turn tht flame into a full burning bon fire! This morning i woke up and decided to read my Elle Magazine, as I am on holiday and doing things you actually 'like' in the morning is permitted. The August issue of the magazine is dedicated to women and has a few articles from women fighting for different causes related to women. Every article inspired me! Not just the cause, statistics and information in the articles, but the age and background of the women writing the articles and their ability to write magnificent articles without even being writers or journalists.

There was one article though, that lit my flame from the first word. It was an article by Mandy Wiener, 'Safeguarding the future'. It stated that crime does not discriminate, it does not set you free because of your wealth, social standing or the colour of your skin. It also mentioned that it is everyones right to move as you please, and to not have to be scared or feel threatened by it. In my head I. Started to see a world, a country, where I can go wherever I want, whenever I want, without being afraid. To take a wrong turn in my route and not be afraid that it would lead me to a place where I may not be safe. To go to places that may need help, anytime of the day, without fear. To in essence,be free. One of the other thoughts that jumped into my mind, was the biew women had of men. If it was safe for women to go where they want, when they want, it would change their view of the normal man on the street next to them from threat to fellow human being, or even friend. I know this is an idealistic view with lots of gaps and possible place for failure, but if I can help just 1 mom drive/walk her child to soccer practise without fear,it would change my flame into a bonfire. I have found my cause.

Two Tragedies in Life - Bernard Shaw

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it." - Bernard Shaw

Season 2 - Episode 22

Hierdie vakansie het ek so 2 dae "One tree hill marathon" gehad. Die bogenoemde stelling was 'n opstel opdrag aan die klas in die reeks. Ek het dadelik begin wonder wat dit is wat Mnr. Shaw nou eintlik met die stelling bedoel het, en of ek saam stem met die interpretasie van die karakters in die reeks.

"The first is to lose your heart's desire". Letterlik opgeneem is hierdie stelling heel duidelik in sy bedoeling: Om dit te verloor wat jou hart begeer.

"the other is to gain it". Nou hoekom, as die eerste tragedie dan is om jou harts begeerte te verloor, sal die tweede een wees om dit te kry?

Net hier is dit toe waar my kop op loop gaan, want uit hierdie kort tweede gedeelte van die stelling kan 'n hele paar afleidings gemaak word. Indien die tweede gedeelte betrekking het op die eerste een, verstaan ek dat die rede hoekom dit 'n tragedie is om jou harts begeerte te kry, is dat die eerste stelling dan kan waar word. Want om iets te verloor, moet jy dit inderdaad eers kry. Die tragedie is dan dat wanneer jy jou harts begeerte kry, kan jy jou harts begeerte verloor.

'n Tweede afleiding wat ek uit die tweede stelling alleen kan maak, is dat die besit van jou harts begeerte jou motivering vir enige iets anders sal stop. Wat is daar om voor te veg, voor te leef wanneer jy dit het wat jou hart begeer?  Indien aanvaar word dat hierdie hartsbegeerte 'n droom of ideaal is, dan kan die bereik van daardie droom of ideaal beteken dat jy jou droom verloor het. Jy het jou droom verloor, deur jou droom te bereik.

Hierdie is 'n kontroversiele stelling wat deur elke persoon, in sy of haar huidige omstandighede, verskillend interpreteer sal word. Laat gerus kommentaar oor wat hierdie stelling vir jóu beteken, en óf dit op jou lewe van toepassing is.

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